Russia and the three baltics
by A Bleach-Drinking Hetalian
Summary: It's exactly what the title says. A slight change of the favorite childrens story EVERYONE knows, Goldilocks and the three bears. You know you wanna read it One-shot. Crack? Rated T for being too AWESOME! Da?


**As for any genderbendings, England, Italy, and Russia are females.**

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There was once a family of nations who lived deep in the woods, in a cozy little cottage. They did so to hide from their enemies. The biggest nation was Estonia, referred to in this story as Eduard. The second biggest nation was Lithuania, referred to in this story as Toris. And the last, and certainly most easily scared, nation was Lithuania, referred to in this story as Raivis. **(1)**

One day, Mama bear, er.. Toris.. yeah, Toris.. came to the kitchen and piped out, "What would everyone like for dinner?"

Eduard puts down his newspaper, saying "I would like Piirakka!" Raivis stops shivering for a moment to say "I would like a bowl of Putra!!" And Toris thinks, finally deciding, "Then I will have Cepelinai!!!"

They paused for a moment. Toris sighed. "We're all over the place, aren't we?" The other two nodded sadly.

After the meal was made, the Baltic nations tried it. "MINES TOO HOT!!" all three screamed at once.

Toris got them all water, apologizing. "I'm sorry, I should have let it all cool before serving it..." Eduard shook his head, after sipping his water. "It's fine Toris. How about we go for a walk? It'll be cool by the time we get home." Raivis agreed. "We better leave now so that we can get home before it's dark!!" And they left, making sure to close the door tightly.

* * *

A little while later, a little girl was seen walking through the woods. "Da~" she said to herself, "Life could not be going any better for me now~" She was dressed in a giant winter coat, with a white scarf trailing around her neck.

She saw the little cottage, and intrigued, looking inside the window on the little door. "Da, this place looks right." She turned the doorknob lightly, and it didn't open. She frowned. "This is not right..." Then she turned the doorknob fiercely, making it come off. She kicked the door in, splintering it. "Yay!! It opened!!"

"It is so quaint..." And she gripped her pipe tightly, walking in. It was a cozy house, with pictures of three different males hanging in different places. "They look delicious... " She licked her lips. "But I smell something good now, as well..." She peeked with her peripheral vision seeing something that made her very, very hungry.

"Food!!" She rushed over, drooling at the carefully cooked dishes. She went for the Piirakka. "Oh dear, this one's too hot..." She threw it against the wall, and it shattered. She tried the Cepelinai next, but made an odd face at it. "It is too cold..." And she didn't like this dish, or the fact that the cold reminded her of General Winter. So she beat it with her pipe until it was demolished, and half of the table was destroyed.

She looked at the last dish, kol-ing. The Putra shivered, wondering what horrible fate it had. She tried a bite and smiled. "This one is ju~st right!!" She happily said, eating it all up!!

After she'd eaten/destroyed the three poor individuals meals, she decided, "If I stand any longer, I will hurt many people in my attempt to sit down..." And she kol-ed off into the living room. There she found three chairs.

"These will do quite nicely.." She sat in the first chair, and it was too hard. So she threw it in the fireplace, because it was getting chilly. She then sat in the second chair. It didn't seem to be flawed in any way... but just to make sure that it wouldn't do anything, she smashed it into tiny pieces with her pipe, and threw that into the fire too.. "Well that was funny!" She giggled. Then she went to the third chair. "This chair is ju~st right!!" She got comfortable, and it exploded under her.

* * *

(Somewhere with England....)

"You lent Busby's chair to WHO???" England twitched, glaring at the American.

"Lithuania." America waved his hand passively. "Don't sweat it, Iggy." Then he started nomming on his burger.

England snapped. "WHY WOULD YOU LEND SOMETHING OF MINE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION???"

America laughed at her reaction. "Why not?"

She headdesked, and America patted her head comfortingly.

* * *

(Back to Russia....)

She looked around the room, bored and standing. She saw three coo-coo clocks. "How wonderful!!" She exclaimed, as she grabbed the first one. "Too plain...." So she threw it into the fire. She took the second one in her hand. "Too decorated." And threw it into the fire, too. Then she took the third, smallest coo coo clock, and rolled it around in her hands. "I can take this one..." she stuffed it delicately into her jacket pocket.

Then she put her hands up to the fire, warming them. She watched all of the items burn, and it made her feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. "But I am getting tired now...." She noticed the stairs, and decided that she should go up them. "Damn lazy house owners need to get an elevator..." she thought.

She saw a hallway filled with even more pictures. "Is that a cross dresser?" She said to herself, looking at a blonde. A flat blonde. She was not flat, and if you were, you were practically a man. "Yaaaaawn!" She said, turning back to the hallway. She saw a little door at the end of the hallway.

As she entered the room, she turned on the light. "Da, for it was too dark before!!" She looked around the room, seeing three beds. She laid on the first. "It is too hard..." she pounded the mattress in with her fist once, leaving a gaping hole. She turned to the second bed, and sat on it. She fell in, arms flailing. After she got out, she stared at the bed. It disintegrated under her glare, leaving only a pile of ash. She turned to the third bed, and sat on it, expecting the worst. But it didn't do anything strange. It just existed. And so she fell asleep on it, dreaming of sunflowers and a happy place...

* * *

The three Baltic's returned to their house around noon. "That was a refreshing walk-" began Toris, who stopped short after seeing their door was missing. "....We should go in..." said Raivis. All three nodded at once.

When they entered, they looked at the remains of their food. "Someone ate up all of my Piirakka." Stated Eduard as he looked forlornly at its remains on the wall. "I don't see my Cepelinai, so someone probably ate up all of it..." He stared at the splinters that was once a table. Raivis looked at the empty plate on the good side of the table. "Someone ate up all of my Putra...." He started tearing up, he wanted that food!!

Toris looked into the next room. "Guys, come here!!" the other two Baltic's came to look, only to see the sorry state the room was in. "MY CHAIR!!" all three shouted at once. Raivis picked up the pieces of Busby's chair to return to England. "I never even got to sit in it.." Toris and Eduard looked into the fire, seeing the remains of their coo-coo clocks and chairs.

They looked around to see if anything else was missing, and saw instead a definite trail leading upstairs. The stair rug was messed up, which is how they knew. Toris was a cleaning pessimist. Estonia grabbed a gun, and Toris grabbed a baseball bat. They managed to climb the stairs, Raivis shivering at the thought of an intruder.

They peeked into the room, and all three quivered at the sight before them. It was a girl!! She looked to be taller than all three of them. Her long coat was hiding her apparent figure, her hair seemed to be frazzled, reaching nearly down all of her back, and she was hugging a blood-stained pipe close to her. Raivis accidentally stepped on a squeaky floorboard, and the girl jolted awake.

"Da? Who goes there?" she said, gripping her pipe tightly. The three men rushed out of the room, down the stairs, and into the kitchen. When they reached there, though, she was standing, smiling, in front of the gaping hole that was once their door. "Who are you?" she said coldly.

Toris gulped, then stepped forward. "We are this houses owners! We should be asking who you are." Her complexion darkened as he kept speaking. "So who are you?" She was chanting 'KoLkOl..' as he said this, and a weird aura came around her. "I am" she pulled out something that said 'script', "Ivana."

Raivis stepped forward, quivering. "W-W-W-Why are you h-he-ere Miss Ivana?" She smiled darkly at him. "Why do you shiver, little man?" Eduard stood in front of the shaking Latvian, "Please just leave." He said sternly. She put her full-on glare on him, and he froze. Finally, Toris stood in front of both countries, and said, "At least move out of our way, you can keep the house."

She smiled darkly. "Nyet."

"Liet. How many times have I, like, told you worrying was bad for your skin?" All four individuals turned to the doorway. A man dressed in a light blue dress stood there. He walked in the doorway, and stood in front of the other three men. He held out a hand, as to block her off. "Stay away from him, or I'll make Warsaw your capital!!"

Ivana stared at him, but her waves of KoLkOl could not penetrate his ditzyness. So she took out the coo-coo clock, which she had fiddled with, placed it on the table, and left. "Enjoy, little men..." And she kol-ed away.

Toris hugged the stranger, known as Feliks. "Thank you!! I don't know how you did it, but she's gone!!" Raivis nearly passed out in joy and hunger, while Eduard took the coo-coo clock in his hand.

"Guys?" He gasped, voice low. They looked over. "I think that Raivis's coo-coo clock is.. A BOMB!!!" Raivis came to tears, Toris looked at the coo-coo clock himself, and it was indeed a bomb. Mainly because it had a huge timer counting down 10 seconds.

9.

8.

Toris grabbed onto Feliks and Eduard, and Eduard dragged Raivis, running like madmen out of the house in time to see it explode. From a safe distance. "Like, now Liet can live with me!!" He glomped onto his friend. "But what about Raivis and Eduard, Feliks? I can't just leave them..." He looked over at them. They seemed to be taking this pretty well. "Ditch 'em." Feliks said quietly. Toris shook his head."I'm not coming if they aren't." Feliks pouted, but Toris didn't relent. "Fine... Like, comon, people."

"If you have nowhere else to go, you could always become one with mother Russia, da?" All four turned to see the girl standing there again.

"And so, we ran away, and lived for the rest of like, happily ever after!!" Feliks said, closing the storybook. "What did you, like, think?" Entertained, Feliciana clapped repeatedly. "I loved it!!" The Baltic's sweatdropped. "You know, that is a true story Da?" They all turned to see Russia. " Sunflower, anyone?" They fled.

And it began again.

THE END!!!!

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**That ending was very fail, I'm so sorry. But in the original story, she just runs away.**

**So I tried to make it funny instead...**

**I"M SORRY!! ( TT _TT)**

**I'd like to thank LunarEclipse896 for the idea for this. I'd like to see that picture if you ever drew it!!**

**(1) = I decided this from tallest to shortest, humanwise. I think Lithuania is actually bigger than Estonia, nationwise.....**

**I don't need to explain the human names, do I? Good~**

**Well if you enjoyed this story, favorites are nice, but reviews are the food an authoress needs to write.**

**( ^ ' w'^)**

**Stay awesome!!**


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